Why I Take Longer to Pick a YouTube Video Than a Partner

Reflection on: Ch. 4 of Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari & Ch. 8 of How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ury

How Do We Know What We’re Looking For?

"We have relatively little experience, especially where it counts for figuring out compatibility in long-term relationships. Yet we think we are experts in what will make us happy." –How Not to Die Alone

I have little experience, which leads me to envision my ideal partner and makes me more selective in my dating choices. I wouldn’t consider myself a picky dater, but I do have strong values and solid standards. But realistically, I think the bar is extremely low, and as long as somebody is respectful of those values and standards, then they reach the bar.

The Risk of Never Being Proved Wrong

"But dating apps never give you the chance to be proved wrong, because you can weed out people who aren’t your ‘type’." –How Not to Die Alone

If you keep those standards and don’t stray from them, you close more doors than you open. My last relationship was with a Christian, devout enough that he planned to go on a mission trip this summer. I’m agnostic and have been hesitant about dating someone religious after some personal experiences in the church, but I really enjoyed this person’s company and thought they were really cool. I realized religion wasn’t a total deal breaker, but it still depended on the person.

Attraction and the Subjectivity of Experience Goods

"Experience goods…—goods defined by attributes that are subjective, aesthetic, holistic, emotive, and tied to the production of sensation." –Behavioral economists, including Michael Norton and Dan Ariely

I have never agreed with my friends and peers about what is considered "attractive," mostly because I don’t find it to be the most important factor in my decision to date. Yes, I take it into consideration, but I look at other factors much more, and many times those attributes are subjective and something one needs to experience in person to deduce. For me, this often takes many in-person interactions (getting to know someone over a long-ish period of time) before I decide if they’re someone I’d like to date.

Is this because I’m ruminating over all their attributes and trying to come to a decision? Is it because I like to know someone deeper before initiating something romantic? Or maybe I’m working up the courage to initiate something? Maybe a mix of all of them. But one thing's for sure—my decision process for dating is long.

I love Monet from all perspectives, the way he's able to capture landscape and florals is romanticization itself. This is one of my favorites, Chrysanthemums.

#TheMonetEffect

"When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically." -How Not to Die Alone

I find myself romanticizing a lot. When I date someone, I tend to envision our dream life together before we’ve even made it to the second date. This creates a wild expectation for this person to meet, and they don’t even know about it. I do try to avoid doing this, but I’m such a romantic that I feel like it’s more like daydreaming than officially setting an expectation. I’m just hoping for the best. In return, I’m disappointed if it doesn’t work out. Though I feel like that’s inevitable regardless of romanticization.

To avoid the Monet Effect, I try to get to know someone as much as I can, or vet them through friends, before deciding if I like them or would like to date them. I can mitigate having raised expectations as much as possible.

The Paradox of Choice in Dating

The paradox is when we think that the abundance of choices is better and will make us happier. In both Modern Romance and How Not to Die Alone, they refer to the famous study in which behaviorists offer 6 vs. 24 jams in a store. They received more foot traffic with 24 jams, but more final purchases with 6. This reflects the long-term effect of the paradox of choice in dating. With more options, somebody may go on many dates but with little follow-through. Those with fewer options to start have a greater chance of a lasting relationship.

Outside of dating, I get very overwhelmed by choices. I’m very critical of my decisions, yet I’m chronically indecisive, mostly because I deeply analyze the choices given and get too overwhelmed. A recent example was my trip to the grocery store. I went to Aldi instead of my usual Kroger trip. I thought about how much I loved that the store was smaller and there were fewer options to choose from. This allowed me to make quicker choices about what I needed and prevented me from over-shopping. Because there were fewer choices, my grocery trip wasn’t as overstimulating as it usually is and was more enjoyable.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

Maximizers – Those who carefully think through their choices in hopes of finding the best.

Satisficers – Those who pick the option that meets their minimum requirements and is "good enough."

I would argue that I don’t "satisfy," and in those instances, I’m more of a "conveniencer." When making purchasing decisions, I’m trying to get the best product for the price I can afford or whatever is most convenient for me in that moment. I strive to be a maximizer but often resort to the most convenient option.

Like Aziz, I’m a big foodie, so I’m often a maximizer when deciding what to eat. Though my opinions on what really good food is may not be super fancy restaurants like Aziz can afford. Taco Bell can be luxury cuisine sometimes.

I would also say that I’m a maximizer when it comes to dating because I vet my options and take my time before making a dating decision, though I’m not one to turn someone down because there may be better options out there. I have high standards but am willing to put the investment required into the relationship.

Also—probably the biggest example of me being a maximizer: finding the right YouTube video to watch while I eat. I will literally swipe through so many choices my food gets cold and I have to reheat it.

The Shift in Dating Due to Technology

I don’t trust the immediacy of online dating and how quickly some people swipe now. Honestly, it disgusts me how some people commodify others on the apps, and others use it as a hook-up app. I understand that’s what some people want, but seeing how people my age have just blindly judged and criticized others based on their profiles makes me never want to download the apps. Some people use the excuse that they’re "looking for the best" when in reality, they’re overestimating the match they deserve and closing off their true options in the process. I feel as if I’m a maximizer in trying to weed out these people and find those who want to invest in a relationship. But those people are sparse.

The Experiment: Friends Arrange My Dating App Photos

EXERCISE: Select Better Photos. Collect ten to twenty photos of yourself (ideally a combination of photos of your face, your full body, and you doing an activity you love, like cooking or hiking) and send them to several friends. Ask which pictures they’d include, which they’d delete, and which they’d use as the first photo. Or run your own experiment on the apps: Swap out different photos to see which ones lead to the most matches

I selected 15 photos that I would use for a dating app and asked my friends (whom I’ve known since elementary and middle school) to narrow them down and to arrange them in the order they thought best. I was curious to see 1. What patterns I would recognize 2. Which photos they thought would be best and 3. What notes they would have to give me.

Here are the results:

Ken -

They started with my most recent Insta pic, a nice starter pic, I think. Not too many distractions in the photo.

They also included two photos where I'm smiling and looking away (suggested by How Not to Die Alone) in the first few swipes.

Additionally, I liked how they included the pic of me at a restaurant with a friend towards the beginning. Proving I have friends lol and we have a good time.

Ken liked the photos where I have a natural smile, and they used most of those.

Madi-

I think all 3 chose good pics for the initial one. I'm torn between this and the other. This picture, though, utilizes Jordan Ury's found statistic that photos where (I'm gonna say "femmes", for my case) look away from the camera and smile with teeth. I'd also have to say shamelessly that this one highlights my figure rather well. I prefer some of the full body pics over the others because you get a better sense of what someone looks like.

I also like that Madi used my funny party pic pretty early, I think it highlights my humor.

Tierza-

She really said body-ody with using those as the first three. She said, "you need to put yourself out there girl lol".

Tierza also made sure to include the candids/casual photos as well.

She also suggested mixing up the funny/casual pics with the dressed-up ones, it seems more natural.

Reflection:

I think the choices my friends made accurately reflect successful photos on dating apps according to How Not to Die Alone's section "Selecting Great Photos".

Will I put these pics into effect and create an account? This made me a little more confident, but I'm still on the fence. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on the experiment in the comments!

Mate Value vs. Unique Value

Mate Value is your judgment of a person based on their initial attractiveness and general demeanor. Their unique value is a judgment made after knowing someone more personally and spending some time with them.

When I attempted to convey my opinions on attractiveness when making dating decisions, I meant to convey that I value someone’s unique value much more than their mate value. I almost don’t consider their mate value at all, though I do believe first impressions matter to an extent and attraction is somewhat important.

In both emotional and sexual attraction, I prefer to know someone on a much deeper level before initiating romance. A prime example of this is my demisexuality—meaning I don’t feel physical attraction to a person until I form an emotional connection with them, regardless of how attractive I find them. And there have been many times when I’ve fallen for someone I didn’t find attractive at first simply because their other qualities made them attractive to me—their "unique value."

"There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it." – Jimmy, from the focus group, Modern Romance